I don't play well with others

I find joy as the ultimate fundamental value, but I rarely find it in shared play. Instead, I know how to play AT someone or to bring someone else joy, but it is directional. My enjoyment is in the accomplishment of causing joy, not in witnessing it. This action of making someone else feel joy is intentional, calculated almost. This starts out in the subconscious as I create joy, but then I watch it occurring and it changes form by definition.

I see interaction between people, but it seems foreign to me. This is the case anywhere I happen to be no matter the language. I feel that I'm playing life. I am not alone and I know that there are other spectators of themselves, but I have a sense that most people live. They take their lives seriously.

They worry about bosses and safety and ensuring that the kids are coloring between the lines of societal expectations. I too am aware of these things, but don't see that my actions matter. If I do one thing right, I'm sure the boss will find another thing wrong. If I choose to avoid the dangerous part of town, I'll be less on guard when the muggers strike in my own neighborhood. If I try to guide my kids one way, they're sure to choose another path. I often watch myself make objectively bad decisions, but don't put value judgment on the results. I make a mental note, and change my action the next time.

I observe people building alliances with other humans that they call their friends. They chat online or make phone calls for no specific purpose, just to talk. I don't fully understand this. What is there to say? I still go to such and such job, my kid is getting older, the wife is still hassling me... what is the purpose of these mindless interactions? They don't add anything to the situation. They are summaries leading to nowhere. They provide vague amusement and you can take heart that someone else knows what is happening in your life, but it's inane, repetitive, and boring.

I believe in sharing ideas. New ideas grow and develop the creator. They are beautiful children to nurture and poke at as they bloom into butterflies. Ideas are the mind's experiments, they create the life that I believe is worth living. Worthwhile ideas are theories about what is, who we are, and what makes us tick. This is one reason why I live abroad. I find that in a country where you are expected to be, mundane life prevails.

Elsewhere, people ask real questions and are unafraid of stepping outside of the realm of allowable opinion. In the outside, the acceptability margins become fuzzy. People are less restrained by the invisible prison of expectations. Only when people escape their own world do they really begin living.