January 25, 2014

I'm a drug addict

My addictions cause major changes that significantly affect my psychological and emotional state. I can intentionally bring on or avoid the intensity they provide.

My view of self is skewed. I look at some of my posts and the self-abuse that I lavish on myself when I'm down. Then I recognize the difference when I chat with my girlfriend online. My mind turns toward my invincibility, I am a king.

January 20, 2014

Adapt, who me!?

I've been finding myself working in a third language lately. That is, much of my day is not in the language of my current location, and not in my native language, but in a third. Yesterday, I transformed my brain to interact in Korean. The day before, I had to use Chinese and the culture that accompanies the language. I switch cultures, a necessary condition of being understood.

Culture always comes before language. In other words, without learning the culture, vocabulary and grammar doesn't get you where you need to go. No matter how many words you've studied or how complex your clauses in another language, if you are saying or doing the wrong thing for the culture, your listener will be confused. Language is meant for communication and if the culture and language aren't compatible, then you've already lost.

January 15, 2014

Just Write

Only after finishing many many years of schooling have I learned to appreciate reading and writing. From age 13-23, I hated being forced to read something, then forced to write. The problem was not the reading or the writing. Rather, it was the simple matter of having little choice in the subject matter. When the material is chosen for the student, it is no longer the student's work. When the student is given the freedom to choose, they become the engine for learning. The power is given to the individual rather than the taskmaster.

January 10, 2014

Why be alone?

I feel that I have to hide my evil from others. If people know what is really in my head or heart, they will lose interest. I have no warm happy sharing loving feeling. I only know analysis. I want to figure out and interpret. That is what I was born to do. It is completely incompatible with human interaction.

People are apparently meant to connect. They are meant to be part of one another. They are supposed to entwine into each other. Togetherness is what life is about. I don't understand and can't understand. It is not part of me. My heart is hard. I don't trust others to catch me. I am certain of judgment and disapproval.

January 5, 2014

How will you be remembered?

I was in a classroom and the teacher went around the room asking what we hope to leave behind. What will we be remembered by? What will be our legacy? We are trained and know from a young age to say we will leave behind children of our own that we will shape and mold. They will be better versions of ourselves. The wisdom that we leave them with will spread to their children. We will ensure them a happy life, and they in turn will do the same for their kids.