April 25, 2014

Impossible to escape

I am a clinical crazy person. I'll probably end up in a room with padded walls. Tonight, I had a night with the guys at a bar. I don't drink. I'm not sure why. Before going to the bar, I attempted to separate from the group but was told that it would be a normal bar, not the side show common to my current location. The next day, I was sorry I went.

There were four of us, all guys: Danish, British, Belgian, and me (an American by birth). We're in a major city which I know well. The other guys are new to the city. For the past couple of hours, I brought them to a street food soup place where everyone ate congealed blood and innards in their soup not knowing what they were eating.

Then I took them to several bar streets which would be burned to the ground if it happened openly in most parts of my country. After giving them a tour of the neighborhood, I led them walking through the streets to nowhere and we talked for awhile until I got tired, so after bringing them past a brightly-colored Hindu temple, I turned them around to go home.

We ended up at an Irish Pub and I continued to entertain and cause raucous laughter with irreverence and outrageousness. Though I don't drink often, if I choose to, I can bend groups to whatever emotion I choose. This is a dangerous power, but today, I used my powers for joy and revelry. I had a pint and my friends all had three. I had a drink for group dynamics purposes, and luckily, stopping at one did not negatively affect the atmosphere as drinking is often seen as a team sport.

At around midnight, the bar closed down, we paid our tab and got street food: dumplings and hearts of various animals, some of my favorite street snacks. We got home where I found my girlfriend and I swept her off of her feet with romantic words and attention before I went to bed. I have the power to control others' emotions. Once again, I was able to use this for good.

After falling asleep, I found myself in a nightmare. I moved to a new place and constantly found myself fighting to escape the neighborhood with streets literally littered in crazy people. Think along the terms of the Hollywood movie stereotype of an insane asylum, mixed with zombie apocalypse, and then make it feel real.

I was reliving the same escape again and again. It may have been an allusion to waking up every day to the same nightmare of life. My daily goal in this setting was to exit the doors that kept me inside with the drug addicts, screamers, and violent thugs that filled the road as I tried to verbally negotiate, run away from and rip myself from others' grasp to escape.

I woke up, mouth dry, fully remembering the nightmare and horrified. I stayed in bed for a few minutes trying to determine the cause of the dream, which I attribute to the pint of beer. I mentally wrote a note to self to not drink. Then I began to psychoanalyze myself. I determined that I'm trying to wrest myself from an insane core and the escape is a constant struggle which I have to repeat daily. My planned life changes are put to question, Will they force me to slip down the slope to an unhealthy psychological state?

It is unclear. At the moment, I am using Crossfit and my unnaturally stable girlfriend as de-crazy pills. They are working like magic and I am currently in sane territory. My girlfriend has a couple of countries to visit in the next two weeks, and I have to go to another country tomorrow to go to an embassy to get a new visa for my current country. Though the separation will only be short term, two weeks apart from girlfriend, I know the crazy is a jealous mistress. She creeps in whenever stabilizing factors are gone.

I'm apprehensive.

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